Posted by: Modern Mom | February 3, 2012

The Need for Restraint

Do they make kiddie straight-jackets? No really. I’ve seen kid leashes, which I didn’t appreciate the brilliance of until I needed one. Yes. I said it. I needed one.

I used to look down my nose at those parents walking through fairs and malls with their kids on leashes, disguised as cutesy little animal backpacks. You aren’t fooling anyone. It’s a leash. I would roll my eyes and think, “it’s not a dog, it’s a kid for goodness sake!” and “Geez, if you can’t control your kid maybe you’re not doing your job.” Yes, I knew it all. Just like everyone else without kids.

Then I was faced with traveling on an airplane, 5 months pregnant, with a 1 1/2 year old, a stroller, a carry on and a diaper bag… alone. I still shudder at the thought. I was panicked thinking how much faster my toddler was than a big fat pregnant lady laden with bags and stroller. I knew that strapping him down in the stroller would be the easiest containment solution. Caution: may result in screaming, kicking, flailing, uncontrollable sobbing and other unforeseen side effects. That was when I decided I would need a leash.

Where on Earth does one buy a baby leash? I wasn’t trying to fool anyone into thinking it was a cute little backpack. I just wanted a leash. Babies R Us! They have everything. The all-mighty, holy grail of baby supplies you never knew you needed. Surprisingly, they had a wide selection. So I purchased one. It was the best purchase I could have made for that fateful trip. I was thankful to have it.

Even though he would do things worse than a dog would. Like wrap around and through and over and under fences, gates, barriers, Starbucks displays, you name it. Or, my personal favorite, flop face first on the dirty floor of the airport in protest and not budge. I appreciate a good protest, but seriously. The disgusting stained carpet of the airport?

I would get those looks. The ones I used to give the “leash parents” back in the days BK (Before Kids). This time I was on the other side of them, and I understand now why a leash is a necessity. They are slippery buggers. Plus, at that age my son would approach the creepiest, oldest dudes he could find and ask to be picked up. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because pedophiles have the best candy?

Since then I’ve searched for kiddie straight jackets at Babies R Us, but have not yet found any. I’m thinking I may have the corner on the market for these. You know those times when you’re sitting in a restaurant and your three-year-old is touching absolutely everything? Or going through a store pushing a stroller and your toddler clears an entire shelf by sticking out his arm as you walk by? Or in a dressing room (never ever attempt this. ever.) and the kids are escaping under the door while you’re half naked?

Child restraint is no laughing matter. If you know where I can get a kiddie straight jacket, please don’t hold out on me.

*Disclaimer: Obviously this post is intended to be tongue-in-cheek fun. I do not intend to manufacture kiddie straight jackets. Although, if you keep writing me about them, I may change my mind.

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Responses

  1. If you could make it in pink with glitter or rhinestones f some sort my girls wil beg to wear it! Maybe you could spell out “Mommy’s crazy monkey” with the rhinestones. I’l order a dozen.

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    • I’ll put in your order for a dozen pink bedazzled ones. 😉

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  2. PS, this old laptop needs a ne keyboard. I said neW gosh darn it! 😉

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  3. PPS, we have a unicorn and a doggie. Both girls do beg to wear them if they see them, so I have to keep them hidden.

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  4. […] go as I had hoped. They didn’t have nearly the level of containment I needed. You know, straight jackets would have been nice. I’d have settled for a roll of duct tape. The vet was taking way too […]

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  5. […] A good morning. And I’m actually considering getting another family membership. Though, next time, I will have to remember my leash. […]

    Like


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