My Butt Sensor

When I had my babies I had no idea the sneaky nurses would install a sensor in my butt when I wasn’t looking. They also installed a receiver in each of my children. The sensor in my butt sends a signal to the children’s receivers whenever I do something relaxing or something that requires privacy. (Privacy? I have no idea what that means any more.)

Here’s how it works.

Being a mom is exhausting work, especially when children are still little. So, occasionally I would try to sneak a nap in. Every time my butt would hit the bed and get settled in, my butt sensor would send a silent alarm to the child’s receiver. The child received the signal and immediately responded by either waking up, crying, coming into my room, or all of the above if I was particularly exhausted. It resulted in me being even more tired and frustrated. So I gave up on naps during the day.

Sitting on the toilet sends an alert to all children, and oddly all pets as well (I have no idea when their sensors were installed). Children respond to this alert by screaming, getting hurt, or having another crisis that needs attention. Or, alternately, they would come up with an extremely pressing question or need that just couldn’t wait for one stinking minute while mommy had some “private time”. Pets would respond by prying open the bathroom door so they could sit at my feet and stare. I gave up on anything ever being “private” again and have gotten in the habit of never closing the bathroom door. This has resulted in some very awkward moments in public restrooms.

One of the most annoying features of my butt sensor is that whenever my butt hits a chair, my children have some urgent need that requires me to get back up. Immediately. Resulting in the equivalent of about 2,000 squats per day. So, I never sit, I never sleep, I never have private time, but my butt looks really good.