Posted by: Modern Mom | April 14, 2015

A Letter to My Kids from My Last Nerve

letter to my kids

Dear Children, I am writing to inform you that I have but one nerve left, and you are standing directly on it. I write in hopes that we can address some current issues and move on with life while I can still maintain a modicum of sanity. Here is a list of things I would like for you to get through your thick skulls remember so we can move forward more amicably.

1. I swear to you that the color of plastic used to manufacture your drinking cup has NO bearing or impact on the flavor of whatever it is that you’re drinking. So please STOP fighting over the orange cup.

2. I swear that nobody has EVER died from doing homework. In fact, I think I can safely say that, aside from a case of writer’s cramp, nobody has ever sustained any injury from it either. So can we please just do the homework without the drama? I’m never going to let you get out of it. EVER.

3. The Nerf guns you got in your Easter baskets are EXACTLY THE SAME. I promise you no one works better than the other, no matter what your brother says. So no more fighting over which one you get to use. They. Are. The. Same.

4. PLEASE do not correct your little brother when he says “Ho Ho Claus”. It is precious. I want him to say it. There are precious few things this adorable in life and I want to hang on to them as long as I possibly can. Stop correcting him. He could say it until he’s 20 and it would make me exceedingly happy.

5. It does not matter one whit who sits in the front of the tub. I know the water comes out there. I get that. It still doesn’t matter. I still don’t want to hear the fights. Stop.

6. While we are on the subject of baths, let’s talk about water. It does not hurt you. I know you enjoy the crusty protective layer you’ve built up, but I can smell you coming. It’s time to get clean. Yes, even your face. I know. I’m a horrible mean mom. I work very hard at it. Get used to it.

7. All swings are created equal. I promise when we built the swing set we purposely set the swings at the EXACT SAME HEIGHT. They are the same. It doesn’t matter which one you get. It is not physically possible for one to go higher or faster than the other. The screaming crying tantrums can stop NOW. PS – please learn to pump.

8. It doesn’t matter which parent reads to you each night. Daddy and I devised a plan to switch every night to make it fair. Mommy cannot possibly read to both of you every night. Seriously. You spend ALL day with Mommy. Aren’t you sick of me? Stop. STOP. stop. The system works. Don’t mess with it.

9. I swear to you that my answer will not change, no matter how many times you ask me. Bothering me about it just makes me angry. So stop asking.

10. Go outside. For the love of God. The outside is wonderful and exciting and always changing. Go. Seriously. GO. Before I lock the doors and close all the drapes and hide in the closet with a bottle of wine.


Your Loving Mother and her Last Nerve

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